Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder Case, Abbreviated
by RavenclaWriteRules
Summary: The meticulously-crafted prequel by Nisio Isin, cut down and summarized for the sake of all those who just wanted to watch Naomi Misora be a badass straight man to the weird baggy-eyed man who has showed up to solve a murder case with her. Obviously, some spoiler-y warnings if you intend to read the light novel later on...and if you can, do it! Otherwise, enjoy :)


Narrator: Perhaps you were wondering if Naomi Misora happened to be a badass, since she was wearing all that leather.

Narrator: To which I must reply, yes.

Narrator: Yes, she has a fucking motorcycle.

Narrator: Badass people wear leather.

* * *

L: YOOOO hope u don't mind destroying ur computer after taking up my job offering :)

Naomi: what

L: lol just so u know it's the LA case ;)

Naomi: hold on you're just hiring me do you not know what happened to me-

L: nope

Naomi: You don't?

L: i just saw u weren't working and that was convenient for me ^.^ why, is there something i should know about?

Naomi: uh...

Naomi: I've never heard of this case.

L: whaaat? u've never heard of the wara ningyo murder?

Naomi: excuse me, what? i can't keep record of ALL the shit that goes down in LA

L: lol i can

Naomi: ...

Naomi: why should i work with you again?

L: do iiiiit

L: all the cool kids would :)

* * *

Naomi: okay, i'm at the crime scene...

Naomi: wonder if he left anything under the bed

Naomi: uh

Naomi: man, i hate my life

L: lol that's nice

Naomi: ugh

Naomi: maybe he hid a clue under the bed?

L: meh

L: he did leave a puzzle for the police that nobody could solve though

L: well, technically someone DID solve it...

Naomi: oh rly

L: i did :)

Naomi: ...

L: so yeah just go back to your biz i'll be waiting

Naomi: okay

Naomi: maybe he left something under the bed

Naomi: (checks under bed)

Eye-Bag Man: hi

Naomi: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

* * *

Naomi: what the fuck

Eye-Bag Man: hi, here's my card.

Naomi: rue ryuzaki...so you're a private detective

Ryuzaki: mmm nah "private" sounds so narcissistic just call me unprivate

Naomi: ...

Naomi: so you're not licensed

Ryuzaki: well hbu then

Naomi: uh i'm a detective too

Naomi: ...

Naomi: you can have your card back

* * *

Ryuzaki: want some jam

Naomi: sure I like jam

"after this you won't"

Naomi: say, where's the bread-

Ryuzaki: (scooping out jam with hands and licking) huh?

Naomi: O.O

Ryuzaki: what

Naomi: Do you think you're frickin Winnie the Pooh or something

* * *

Naomi: Hahahaha omg so great meeting you uh I gotta go

Ryuzaki: Aw, why?

Naomi: Imma go fix my makeup bye

(in bathroom)

Naomi: OMG I just met the biggest creepy weirdo of them all today-

L: Was he **cool?**

Naomi: ?

L: cmon tell me

Naomi: NO! He should be locked away I'm surprised he even is alive omg what a dangerous person augh those eye bags are not a good look like I can't even-

L: ...

* * *

Ryuzaki: Hiiii

Naomi: WHY ARE U HERE

Ryuzaki: :( u didn't flush

Naomi: WHAT

Ryuzaki: so are u going to, misora-san?

Naomi: I NEED NOT ANSWER THAT

Ryuzaki: oh come on, you'd want me to do that too, right? stay sanitary for gender equality :)

Naomi: wtf

* * *

Narrator: yeah so like um the top three detectives in the world are all L, he battled them and won and got to use their names, buuut that's a story for another time

"Are you kidding me Mello write that down I will read that so hard"

* * *

Ryuzaki: (on all fours) cmon Misora join me~

Naomi: (speechless with disgust)

Ryuzaki: what

Naomi: Uh...I have a clue...

Ryuzaki: Really?

Naomi: Yes umm...oh god you're coming this way...ok ur not gonna turn around, just crawl towards me butt-first..that's cool...i'm going to have nightmares from this, just so you know...

* * *

Ryuzaki: oh yeah and btw I looove this shoujo manga for children

Naomi: ...

Ryuzaki: Holy up!

Naomi: I can wait in the other room if you need some time to yourself, you know.

Ryuzaki: nonono it's an important clue

Naomi: oh rly

Ryuzaki: two volumes are missing!

Naomi: (deep breath) how do u know he just didn't wanna read them

Ryuzaki: INCONCEIVABLE NO ONE WOULD DARE MISS A SINGLE PAGE FROM THIS GROUNDBREAKING SERIES I WOULD KNOW I WOULD CITE THIS AS ABSOLUTE TRUTH IN COURT

Naomi: okaaaaaaaay but what if he just lent them-

Ryuzaki: LEND A SINGLE VOLUME OF AKAZUKIN CHAHA? NO WAY JOSÉ NOT EVEN YOUR PARENTS DESERVE SUCH A TREASURE BESIDES WHAT LOSER WOULD ONLY READ TWO VOLUMES I'D BET MY _JAM_ ON IT

Naomi: so like, 5 USD...

* * *

Naomi: so maybe he tried to replace the volumes with a book that had the same amount of pages combined-

Ryuzaki: u mean 192 + 184

Naomi: ...I guess it's this book then.

Ryuzaki: (holds out hand)

Naomi: Is that supposed to mean a handshake shit uh I don't do handshakes you see at least not with jammy hands um not to offend you but really-

Ryuzaki: i want the book

Naomi: oh

* * *

"OH MY GOD A REFERENCE TO NATSUHIKO KYOGOKU YESSSSS I LOVE THE KYOGOKUDOU MANGAS THEY'RE REALLY DISTURBING SOMETIMES BUT YAAAAAAAY LIGHT NOVEL AUTHOR CROSSOVER WELL NOT THAT HIS NOVELS ARE REALLY LIGHT I MEAN THEY ARE CALLED BRICK BOOKS BUT YAAYY"

* * *

Narrator: And God said, let there be L-

"Okay I know he's like your childhood idol and life goal Mello but cmon chill a bit I know he's smart but still"

* * *

Naomi: (survives attack by masked thug and performs series of highly complex capoeira moves) Lemme just sit here and brush my hair cause honestly those nightmares of Ryuzaki were more terrifying.

Naomi: phew now that that is over I can get back to-

Ryuzaki: (staring into a drawer of preteen underwear)

Naomi: ...

Naomi: fml

* * *

Naomi: so what would you do if you wanted to lock a room from the outside

Ryuzaki: use a key

Naomi: no, I mean, if you lost the key

Ryuzaki: why, use a spare key

Naomi: oh my g- well what if you lost the spare

Ryuzaki: well then just don't lock it

Naomi: ...trying to determine if you're smart enough to be the killer...

* * *

Ryuzaki: coffee?

Naomi: sure I like coffee

Ryuzaki: here u go~

Ryuzaki: what's wrong misora?

Ryuzaki: noo don't spit it out you'll ruin your beautiful image :(

Naomi: THIS IS FAR TOO SWEET OH MY GOD ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH SUGAR

* * *

Narrator: And then Ryuzaki sulked. And it was not like, cute or anything, not cute at all-

"Mello you are lying through your teeth you are 100% digging it aren't you"

* * *

 **"Don't worry. I'm a top."**

 **"A top?"**

 **"An aggressive top," Ryuzaki said. "I have never once been submissive. One of the few things I can boast about. I have never even been submissive to a traffic signal."**

 **"You really should."**

 **"Never." Adamant.**

just so u know he's a seme ok he ain't playing uke for anyone especially not u L

also

don't get in his car

not even if he offers u candy

* * *

Naomi: so then what do they all have in common

Ryuzaki: they're all dead

Naomi: grrrrrrr

Ryuzaki: u should try sitting like this. it'll make u more intelligent.

Naomi: i really don't want to become like you

Naomi: (tries it anyway)

Naomi: shit it worked

Naomi: i regret my life

* * *

Narrator: and so it was because of this crucial information that Ryuzaki needed to do all that

"yes but did he really have to check out the panty drawer"

* * *

Narrator: anyway Kira is a dirty little cheater for killing people and having it easy with his stupid little flashy notebook-

"wow Mello way to not be hung up over it"

* * *

BB: And now I shall plan my murder laugh.

BB: ho ho ho

BB: nah that's trademarked

* * *

L: so uh nice job avoiding the attacker

Naomi: aw shucks that was nothing i'm trained

L: oh really?

L: in what?

Naomi: capoeira

L: really

Naomi: yup. i used to do street dancing in college.

L: ...

Naomi: fun stuff

L: well thanks for the hot tip i might try that out some time

* * *

"oh my god watari i know u want to keep the world from being L-less but please knockoff genius children are dangerous to cultivate"

* * *

BB: henh henh henh zo zo zo

"wtf BB since when was regular ol' "kyahaha" not good enough"

* * *

Naomi: so the murderer is B

Ryuzaki: oh rly

Naomi: yeah

Ryuzaki: and why is that

Naomi: uh

Naomi: cuz L said so

Naomi: well, actually, I can't say that to you...

Naomi: um, he likes the letter B, that's why

Ryuzaki: well that's a flimsy assumption

Naomi: yeah...

Ryuzaki: that said I do agree he is B

Naomi: oh?

Ryuzaki: probably

Naomi: oh

Ryuzak: like 99% chance

* * *

Ryuzaki: anyway hi i'm a corpse

Naomi: if you didn't already give me nightmares i'd say you scared me, but honestly what-

Ryuzaki: i'm a corpse

Naomi: yeah haha we all are inside aren't we i mean i am but like cmon no reason to-

Ryuzaki: i am dead to this world and cannot answer your questions

Naomi: Um...

* * *

Naomi: OMG

Naomi: I figured it out!

Naomi: gangway

Naomi: (steps on body)

Corpse Ryuzaki: GAH!

Naomi: oh whoopsies how clumsy i am hahaha

Ryuzaki: rly

Naomi: lol no regrets creepo

* * *

Ryuzaki: well, Misora, could you do something for me~?

Naomi: uh sure. i mean, i guess, i did step on you-

Ryuzaki: be dead

Naomi: ...

Ryuzaki: like i was! pretending to be a cadaver :)

Naomi: uh...

Naomi: maybe i should introduce a foreign concept called self-respect to you...

Naomi: but i don't want to appear tsundere

"What the fuck narrator did you just associate Death Note with tsunderes"

* * *

Narrator: so um, i guess B just has the shinigami eyes cuz some shinigami just dropped their eyes.

"what"

Narrator: u know, like how they drop their notebooks

"Mello that is not the point IN WHAT WORLD IS NOTEBOOK-DROPPING ON THE SAME LEVEL AS "OH WHOOPS I LOST MY FUCKING ORBS""

* * *

L: I fight for justice

Naomi: really

"L, you are a dirty liar."

* * *

Naomi: Oh my Light Yagami

Naomi: shit

Naom: fuck

Naomi: AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH

* * *

Naomi: WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO

Door: No.

Naomi: SAILOR V KICK!

Door: No.

Naomi: NOOOO

Naomi: oh right I have a gun

Naomi: SUPER LOCK SHOT!

* * *

woman: did something happen?

Naomi: well if you didn't smell the fire, hear the gunshot or me screaming down the stairs, then i guess i'll just answer "FBI" and go home

* * *

Narrator: and so Misora was a pawn to both men

"Um...I know I'm biased, but technically L hasn't really done anything other than figure out the date of the murders, plus she defeated Beyond Birthday."

Narrator: And Beyond just happened to find a hotel with these convenient conditions

"No fucking way man this bastard can't be that lucky"

Narrator: Misora could find out his real name quite easily, no need to consult L's resources

"YOU SAID THAT L DOESN'T KNOW BB'S NAME. SO WHY WOULD MISORA BE ABLE TO JUST FIND IT USING FBI RESOURCES WHEN L. DOESN'T. KNOW. HIS EVIL DOPPELGANGER'S NAME. WHO STAYED AT HIS ADOPTIVE FATHER'S ORPHANAGE. LIKE WOW L."

Narrator: And they would never know, that although he was Beyond Birthday, he was the same B from Wammy's House...

"I still don't understand how you go from Quilish Wammy to Watari. BUT OMG WATARI HAVE YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF ASKING THIS KID WHAT HIS LEGAL NAME WAS OR WERE YOU REALLY THAT KEEN ON RAISING NAMELESS L-CLONES."

Narrator: And L would never guess that Beyond was B.

"NO OBVIOUS CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO NOPE NOT EVEN THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE COULD CONNECT THE DOTS"

* * *

 **"L would lose. B would win.**

 **B was the top, and L was the bottom-L would grovel at B's feet. The copy would surpass the original**."

...

look i was joking about the seme thing

but gee you are not being obviously yaoi at allll

* * *

Narrator: But it appeared...B lost because he severely underestimated Misora.

"Aw yeah my girl Misora Massacre"

Narrator: she probably coulda solved it without him

"see y'all this is why women-"

Narrator: well maybe he coulda won if she didnt figure out the last part with the lock. u don't know.

"...Mello don't make me take away your chocolate."

* * *

Naomi: And that's how I figured out he was the killer. The only people who know about my mad capoeira skillz are L, and the killer who attacked me.

Naomi: And there's no way L could be Ryuzaki.

Naomi: Such a unique kind of creepy weirdness cannot possibly be replicated.

Naomi: ...Right?

* * *

Narrator: So really, we don't know how much L figured out. Maybe he knew everything and just left Misora for the shits and giggles.

"L if that is true you are a major asshole."

Narrator: Or maybe she was truly the most capable and helpful person in the whole case.

"That sounds better."

Narrator: Well uh let's not tarnish L's name.

"Mello, I think it's safe to say L has enough credit...no need to worry about women unfairly taking attention away from him."

Narrator: And so B lost to Misora.

Narrator: I mean, to L.

"MELLO."

Narrator: So yeah. Poor B. He lost to a woman, and to L. He must be feeling terrible. Poor, poor predecessor.

"Mello the guy brutally murdered a thirteen year old girl to suit his whims...u don't need to feel that bad."

Narrator: Accept my condolences.

* * *

Naomi: Well, glad that's over.

Naomi: Bills are paid, boyfriend and coworkers impressed, life can finally go back to normal.

Naomi: ...Wait.

Eye-Bag Man: hi

Naomi: NOT LIKING THESE VIBES

Eye-Bag Man: Come here I want a hug :D

Naomi: HELL NO STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER

Eye-Bag Man: HUG NO JUTSU

Naomi: MISORA KIIIIIIIICK

Eye-Bag Man: (falls down subway and lands in undignified heap at the bottom of the stairs)

Eye-Bag Man: YouTube has lied to me about the real world.

Naomi: ...

Naomi: ...you don't get out much, do you.

* * *

Eye-Bag Man: well, thank you for helping me up :) i had best be on my way-

Naomi: wuh wuh wait you can't just hug random women and leave

Eye-Bag Man: goodbyeee :)

Naomi: NOT EVEN IF YOU SMILE LIKE AN ADORABLE PANDA U ARE NOT GETTING AWAY

Naomi: who even are u

Eye-Bag: the coolest man in the world ;)

Naomi: ...

Eye-Bag Man: i sometimes go by ryuzaki for short

* * *

(A few years later)

Light: If only I could find someone with a connection to L...someone who could find out his real name...someone willing to work with me against him...

Light: Huh, Beyond Birthday. What a dorky name.

Light: ...I like dorky names.

Light: It's n-not as if I want to kill him or anything!


End file.
